Love

When I was 13 years old, I became acutely aware of my sin and rebellion. I knew I did not want to go God's way; I also knew I should want it. This cycle continued for a while until my Father brought this verse to me:
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand" (John 10:27-28).
Suddenly it became clear. I knew I had loved Him in the past, and this verse said He would never let me go. With this newborn assurance that God would continue to love me and take care of me, He broke down my resistance and I surrendered my life to Him.

My sophomore year of college began with a retreat. One of the messages during that retreat was about Jesus' sacrifice for our sin. Suddenly seeing a glimpse of the depth and immensity of my own sin, I sat alone after the message, crying out to Jesus over and over, "Why? Why did you do that for me? And in the clearest way I've ever known Him to speak, Jesus answered me -
"Because I wanted to."
My heart broke with joy that He would love me enough to go through that pain, not because He had to, but because He wanted to. After understanding this all-encompassing love, God helped me to see that He didn't want me to hide myself - He made me "me" on purpose. My sophomore year was filled with incredible stories of God working through and in me, and was marked by a newfound confidence and joy in knowing I was working with Him.

It's been a rough past couple of years. I love my life, teaching in a remote mission school, twenty-seven and single and busy, but it's certainly not what I had in mind ten years ago. I have spent a lot of time and effort pushing God's blessings back in His face because they were not what I wanted. This year is breaking point - something has to change or I will go crazy or be eaten up by bitterness. I see my patterns and failings a bit more clearly each day. But along with admitting my unattractive sin and inability to change myself, I have to beg for grace and help. And guess what God is doing once again? You guessed it - instead of condemning, Jesus says "I love you." Here are some ways:
- I begged last year for more friends. Thought God had ignored me. But instead, He was bringing "bridge" people. I now have friends who have friends in the public school and the medical field... and it's great fun getting to know them all.
- Several women among my staff have been going out of their way to listen to my ramblings and mentor me.
- A dear friend from highschool suggested that we do a book study together by phone. Talking with her each week has made many things more clear for me, not to mention I treasure the friendship!
- My sisters and I are enjoying a closer relationship than we have for years. We are learning and praying together.
- I've been missing playing flute in a group for years, and was given the opportunity to play with the Red Rock String Quartet for a concert in a week and a half!
- God has been really speaking to me through sermons, chapel speeches, and Bible reading. He has been showing me that I need to stop hiding, start trusting, and DRINK from His water of life (Heb. 6:7). After accepting His love, I can share it with others.

I keep wondering why I feel so comfortable with my family and close friends, and am slow to adjust to new people. It's this: I can only perform if I feel loved and lovable. If I feel this, I will do almost anything and be myself. If I don't feel it, I shut down, do only the requirements, and show people a mask. But here's the sad thing- I am an adult. Can't go back to my family again. I have to learn to live in a world where I might not always "feel the love" or be pre-accepted by others. I think the key is to accept what God says about me instead of waiting till I hear it from people. He says I am lovable because He loves me. Here's the song that really brought that home to me today -
from Jars of Clay's "Heart."
I let it get dark, so you'll see the stars
They'll say we're in love, we probably are
No mountains to climb, papers to sign
Offer your heart, I've given you mine
No walls to defend, wars to align
Give me your heart, you already have mine.

He already loves me completely - proved it on the cross. I don't have to do anything to be good enough or popular enough for it. If I drink from that well, I will be hydrated to run this race of life. I can rest, and drink, and love, and live in the freedom given by my Father.